I’ve lived outside of my home country, the US, for 14 years, most of my adult life. During that time I’ve traveled across the world, but have only really settled down in two countries, China and Singapore. It has been an amazing experience, and I wouldn’t change it for anything, I’ve found that when you live overseas you discover far more about yourself than when you live where you grew up. It’s obvious that there are many insights and understandings that really only come from having built a new life in another country that you don’t get by just visiting there, but today I want to focus on what you will learn about yourself and how that can help understand the way you are better. I highly recommend anyone who has the chance to spend time living in another country to do so and reflect on how it affects your understanding of yourself. Here are the biggest things I’ve learned.
Who is really important to you
We all know that as we get older, with more responsibilities, jobs, kids, hobbies, and other commitments, we find it harder to maintain friendships. This is magnified tenfold when you live across continents from your close friends and may only go back to visit once every few years. With technology today, there are plenty of ways to keep in touch; social media, facetime, etc. But with the time differences and everyone’s busy lives. I soon started to see which relationships had effort being put in from both sides to maintain the relationship. And honestly, that list is way smaller than I would have expected.
Sure, I have buddies who I can go years without seeing, and when we finally meet we fall back into our old habits and interactions easily, but are these people really important to me if we don’t talk much in between? I’m beginning to think not. On the other hand, I’ve reconnected with people from many years ago who I was never that close to begin with, but because our life paths and stages are similar we really connect on a different level and have begun a whole new chapter in our friendships.
Of course, another aspect is family. I think this is a big concern for many people, especially if your parents are getting older, or your siblings and cousins would like to be a part of your kids’ lives. For me personally, I’ve begun to see that the family I’m building now are the ones who really matter. Would it be different if I lived closer to my Dad, maybe? But maybe I would also have the same kind of relationship I have with him now, just from a few hour’s drive away instead of across the world. I certainly hope to fly him out to Singapore in the next year or two so he can meet my daughter and see the beautiful country I live in and the life I’ve built with my wife.
What traditions matter
Having lived in countries as different from America as China and Singapore I have to put in extra effort to keep those traditions alive that I grew up with. And I’ve found the ones that aren’t really important tend to fall by the wayside. I still cook a big meal every Thanksgiving, wrap presents at Christmas, watch patriotic movies and eat BBQ on the 4th of July. But that’s about it. All those other holidays and family traditions I grew up with have slipped away. But the great thing is that I’m building new traditions with my own family in my new country now, that are every bit as meaningful as what I grew up with.
As a kid, my family had two traditions that were my absolute favorite. The first was a camping trip to the ocean for Labor Day, we would pack up the car and drive 3 hours to the coast before setting up the tents and settling in for a long weekend of walks on the beach, smores by the campfire, and Yahtzee games by lantern light. The second was the yearly trip to a bed & breakfast in the mountains starting the day after Christmas. Not only were the giant pancake breakfasts, sledding and hot-tubbing, and walks through the snowy town all highlights. But the best part was that all the presents we opened on Christmas were brand new to us again when we got home from the trip, so it was almost like having two Christmases! And while these remain some of my favorite childhood memories, even if I lived in the same place I grew up, would I want to be doing the exact same things with my kids for the next 20 years? I think it is more important to have this kind of family tradition and yearly activity to look forward to than the exact activity itself.
As far as holidays go, some of the holidays like Easter, Labour Day, and Halloween barely register on my calendar these days. Each of the countries I’ve lived in have its own holidays that are super fun to get to know and celebrate with new friends. My favorite is probably Chinese New Year in Singapore when you get together with friends and have a huge meal with a special “Yu Sheng” dish that is ceremoniously tossed in the air by all for good luck in the new year. China has its own way of celebrating the new year, which heavily leans on setting off loud fireworks for 7 nights in a row, which I’m not such a big fan of.
How open you are to new experiences
Singapore and China are very different in terms of how easy it is to get to know locals as a foreigner. In China, the English level is quite low, while in Singapore it is their native language. But even so, in both countries, I have seen a large percentage of foreigners who stick to their own “expat bubble” and never integrate into the local society. Honestly, it happens to immigrants to the US as well, and I think anyone who behaves like this is missing out. Plenty of people say that they love to travel and experience new things, but if you live in one of the food capitals of Asia and are still eating pizza and burgers 4 nights a week, only friends with people who look like you, and still participating in the same hobbies as before, I think you are kidding yourself.
Now I’m not saying you have to go all-in and adopt every local custom, look down on other foreigners, or never enjoy the wonder that is an egg McMuffin. I also am not talking about hiking up volcanoes in The Philippines, going to a Full Moon Party in Thailand, or scuba diving in Malaysia, those are awesome experiences to have and of course, you would want to. The kind of experiences I am talking about are the more mundane but embody the local culture and lifestyle. Sitting at a kopi shop dipping kaya toast in soft-boiled eggs, having a satay party at a friend’s rooftop, playing blackjack for 2 dollar bills around Chinese New Year, or listening to a concert in the park.
These are the kind of experiences that will someday define your memories of what it was like to live in a foreign land, not the once or twice you went to the best restaurant in the city or attended the F1 race. In China, one of these experiences for me was commuting by electric bike to work, about 40 minutes away on a good day. Each morning I packed my bag, put on my helmet, hopped on the bike, and zipped my way halfway across the city to the school I was teaching at. While gliding along the busy streets full of other riders, pedestrians, food hawkers, traffic police, and taxies; I was just one of the the millions of locals rushing to work in Shanghai.
Whether you are really comfortable with yourself
No matter how many friends you make or how well you ingrain yourself into the local society, there will still be times you feel lonely. It may not even by a physical loneliness where you miss the company of other people. Rather, what I’ve felt at times is the loneliness of experience, missing cultural references, or commonalities of childhood. And the worst part is that it isn’t any better when you go home to visit, if you’ve been away for a long time, you’re likely to encounter reverse culture shock, which is very off-putting the first time you experience it. Now this isn’t an everyday occurrence, but you may feel this sense of loneliness come over you once in a while, and how comfortable you are with yourself will determine how much it affects you and how soon you are able to get over it.
Your comfort with yourself will also affect how much the experience of living in a new country changes who you are. I think you have to be comfortable enough with yourself to embrace the new life and culture you find yourself in, while still retaining your core principles, personality, and values. I’m sure you’ve seen some people who get a new boyfriend or girlfriend and completely change their life to what that person wants, it’s the same thing, but on a broader level. I still get comments on how people can feel my “Americanness” coming through in my personality and communication style, but I’ve also adapted enough to work and do business in Asia successfully.
So looking back, these are the things I’ve learned the most about myself by living overseas, and I think you will feel the same. If you get the chance to move to a new country, take it! There’s no better way to experience a new life and learn more about yourself along the way.